When I close my eyes and think about this past year, all the memories run super fast in 1 second clips like a montage in a film or something. I can’t help but to think of how grateful I am. This has been the worst year of my life, and that is only because it has also been the best. I see me and molly biking on her street when we should be in spanish class, trips to tropical smoothie every week, Studying in the arboretum, Seeing Juanes, Me and Whitney hosting film festival, Singing at my last musicfest, Sitting in a diner at 1 o clock in the morning right after prom, My sister getting sick in Amsterdam and my parents screaming about how selfish I am and how they wish they had a different kid, Singing with Jon for the last time in front of our graduating class, Packing everything in the car the day I was going to move in to Hopkins, The day I first met him, Feeling like I was floating after my first kiss, Feeling like I was floating on St. Charles street the first time I ever got drunk, Late night sessions of just talking in the common room, Driving in his car at night with the windows rolled down singing Everlong by the foo fighters at the top of our lungs, His hands in mine, Having a nervous breakdown before my second chemistry test, The changing rainbow lights in his room, Late nights and early mornings in the library despite the shitty grades that would result, Crying harder than I have ever in my life and going through rolls of tissue in miriam’s bed, Coming home a day early telling nobody and crashing at paige’s house.
And here I sit now and thinking about what was going through my head at this time last year, I was excited but I would’ve never expected 2011 to be what it was. Sadly I don’t know if I’ve grown really, or if I’ve changed for the better if at all. Right now, I fear I haven’t. I feel I’m still just as confused as to who the fuck I am as I’ve ever been. But all I know was 2011 was fucking crazy and in the end, I’ll be happy that all these things happened. A part of me is worried that things will never be this exciting ever again. That things will never be this good again. That because 2011 ended with pretty much everything falling apart, that things will just get worse. I’m scared. I’m scared for my future. That in order to make up for the eventful year I had, this upcoming year will just be boring and when its not boring, awful. I’m scared next year 2012 will just be spent cleaning up the mess I made in 2011.
But I have learned that with immense happiness comes suffering like I’ve never known it. I’ve learned that actions do speak louder than words. I’ve learned that things won’t be handed to me anymore, but now I actually have to prove that this wasn’t all just a fluke. I’ve learned that above all I really do need to put myself first, no one else will. I’ve learned that despite what my heart wants, I deserve someone that really really wants to be with me and I shouldn’t expect any less. I’ve learned that things change and most things don’t ever go according to plan. I’ve learned that I give myself too much credit in some respects and not enough in others. I’ve learned that I’m really lucky and that I do a shitty job of appreciating what I do have rather than what I don’t.
So 2012, I won’t kid myself. I’m not expecting it to be spectacularly brilliantly amazing. But I have more hope than I would ever like to admit. I hope that 2012 will be positive. I hope it’ll have surprises, the good kinds of course. And I hope ultimately that I’ll come out of next year.. better and happier. That it won’t live up to my expectations of shittiness.
Props to you if actually just read this whole damn thing. Happy New Year.
- Academics, check.
- Love life, check
- Level of happiness/contentment, check.
Why am I alive?